dive into the narrow

The past is watching, the present is celebrating, and the future is thanking

2009-01-26T00:42:00.000-08:00

So Obama was inaugurated on Tuesday.
I didn't watch it because I didn't care much.
Don't get me wrong--
I'm extremely happy that a minority has obtained the seemingly unobtainable.
I just wish it was a minority candidate with policies I agree with.
Otherwise, I'm very happy that for this memorable occasion where a non-white person has achieved the highest post in the land.

Politics are really interesting,
especially when it comes to race and gender.
I think a huge problem with the two in politics is that it seems to encompass all other facets.
If a minority runs for office,
not voting for him makes you a racist,
and if a woman runs for office,
not voting for her makes you a sexist.
I've fallen in both of those traps this past election.

I refused to support Hilary Clinton,
and people called me a sexist chauvinist for it...
even though they didn't let me explain that she was pro war and international bullying.
I refused to vote Barack Obama,
and people called me racist.
I don't understand how it makes me a racist.
I'm ASIAN.
I am incredibly happy that a fellow minority ran and won for oval office,
but I'm called a racist! Is it because I didn't agree with his policies on the War on Terror, lack of contempt for corporate crime, America's solution to the reduction of our carbon footprint, etc.
I'm racist because I pointed out that some people that are supporting him are pointing out that he's black.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said it himself, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

I know my vote was placed on the content of Mr. Nader's character, a civil rights activist that agreed with Dr. King and fought for freedom and equality longer than Obama has been alive.
But still, I am called racist.

I hope there will be a time in the future, and dream like Dr. King did, where politicians, leaders, people no longer need to fight for equality and freedom, and I pray there will be a time where a completely African American candidate is running, an Asian American is running, a Hispanic American, an Indian American is running, etc, and it will be completely normal... but I know these are the baby steps that America needs to take in order to reach these goals. That is why, even though I didn't vote or agree with Barack Obama, I am very happy to see a memorial time where a minority can overcome and achieve.

everything in moderation

2009-01-24T23:39:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks have gone by... oddly.
I think my break was almost too long.
There was so little time spent worrying about school and classes that it irked me.
It has been a great break,
although it was a bit depressing to be the one to see everyone leave.
It is a completely different feeling to be the one departing while everyone watches you go compared to being the one that stands there watching everyone leave as you stay.
I think being the one that is leaving is better than watching someone leave.
When you're the one leaving,
you have a sense of something new or exciting,
while when you're the one staying,
you're losing someone and what you had before becomes duller.

I've been thinking more and more about next semester, and I can't help but feel incredibly scared/sad/excited about it.
I'm living with a great and close group of guys,
but I'm leaving a lot of things behind in Michigan.
I think that is one thing that worries me.
I become very dependent and I have a habit of attaching myself to the people around me,
which bites me in the butt whenever I move somewhere.

I think my biggest fears stem from my insecurities.
I'm afraid that the ones I love and miss the most do not return the feelings.
I'm afraid that I'll send letters, write emails, etc,
and they won't write me back because they're too caught up enjoying themselves where ever they are and forget about me.
I guess I have a huge fear of neglect.
Which is odd because I think most people see me as a more independent and self sufficient kind of guy.
I miss Weedle and Annette.
I had such a great time with them.
I wish Kirsten and Matt would reply sooner because I'm beginning to think they've already forgotten about me... even though I know they haven't.
I just really miss them.

I think that the majority of my posts are depressing or sad,
but I think this is a result of me wanting to write at times when I am depressed or sad.
I think I should start writing some happier things from now on,
it's not like I'm a really depressed or sad person,
it's just that most of the times I decide to talk to write about my feelings are the times where I'm not feeling so ecstatic about life.
Which is horrible.
Because one of the biggest problems in people today is that they like to remember the worst times in their lives than the best.

It was really nice seeing my old friends all congregated in my home yesterday.
I felt really at home,
but it was also strange thinking to myself that the people I normally hang out with a lot in Michigan won't be here in Albuquerque.

I've been feeling really weird as of late.
I don't know what it is.
Like shortness of breath,
and I keep feeling really nostalgic and depressed about absolutely nothing at all.
Maybe it's because I've been thinking too much about next year,
rather than what's happening now.
Which is funny because that is the exact opposite of what was happening last year--
to a point where it was becoming detrimental.

I've been thinking about way too many things way too late at night.
I'm really excited to go back to Michigan on Monday,
but I am not in anyway ready and packed to go just yet.
I don't even know what I'm taking back up there with me at this point (besides my clothes).

It's late,
I'm going to bed.
Hasta Luego.

mag.

the state of things

2009-01-05T21:59:00.000-08:00

I find myself alarmed at the fact that no one in America seems to be giving a shit about the invasion and brutal attacks against Gaza and the Palestinian citizens. People are being murdered by countless attacks from missiles and helicopters and no one is speaking out against it. What's wrong with America?

I read articles about Greece, Jordan, France, Italy, and South Korea and how the citizens become outraged and hold mass rallies against the things they oppose. Where is the political drive in Americans? Thousands of Greek citizens rebelled and were outraged by the shooting of a student protester:

Police shooting sparks Greece riots

Left-wing groups have called for more protests to be held in the capital later on Sunday [Reuters]

Greece's interior minister has appealed for calm in the wake of widespread rioting after police shot dead a 15-year-old boy in Athens.

Police said the teenager was shot in the traditionally left-wing Exarchia district of the Greek capital on Saturday after the boy tried to throw a firebomb at a patrol car.

Rioting quickly spread outside the capital to other areas, including Greece's second city Thessaloniki and the holiday islands of Crete and Corfu.

Prokopis Pavlopoulos, the Greek interior minister, said: "Regarding the planned demonstrations, everyone has the right to protest but not by destroying property or turning against innocent people."

He denounced the violence as "against human rights" and defended the police response saying that "no rage, even justified, must lead to protests like those we saw yesterday [Saturday]".

Barnaby Phillips, Al Jazeera's correspondent in Athens, said local "people are shocked by the extent and ferocity of the violence".

He said that the political fallout from the rioting.

Thousands of Jordan citizens protest and rally against Israel's attacks and ground invasion of Gaza, and the last major protest America's seen was in the seventies during the Vietnam War.

Why are we Americans so lackadaisical to the situations we are surrounded by? The "War on Terror" and the invasion of Iraq was critically disputed and opposed, yet all we did was talk about how dumb it was. We complained and had rallies that quickly died from lack of participation. There were no protests. No one really did anything.

And now there is a war in Gaza and Americans do nothing, but read shitty biased news reports coming in from American corporations that side with Israel, and we listen to a dumb ass president that blames Gaza for everything while in full support of Israel. I don't blame him though--we did the same freaking thing in Iraq... except ours was worse, we attacked a country that had absolutely nothing to do with September 11.

I find myself overwhelmingly incredulous to the future state of America, even with the upcoming inauguration of Obama. I am incredulous towards the president, the economy, sustainability, and American citizens.

But, as with all things, I have hope. Without hope I am nothing because without hope I am worthless.

'Missiles everywhere'

Moussa el-Hadda, a retired doctor in the Gaza Strip, said "all of Gaza is dark except for the flares fired by F-16s and Apache [attack helicopters]".

Flares lit up Gaza City as Israel used artillery, fighter jets and attack helicopters [AFP]

"The F-16s for the first time are flying very low and shooting missiles everywhere.

"Nobody can leave their home, we have no shelters and Israel knows this. They just bombed everywhere and most of their bombs are hitting houses," he told Al Jazeera.

Earlier, Ehud Barak, the Israeli defence minister, told members of parliament that Gaza City was partially surrounded.

"We have hit Hamas hard, but we have not yet reached all the goals that we have set for ourselves," he said.

Dozens of Palestinians were reported to have been detained during the Israeli push into the Gaza Strip, with Israel saying they were Hamas fighters.

On a separate news,

My writing has been going a lot better.

I shelled out about three to four pages today on a novella I'm trying to finish before I go back to Calvin. Hopefully it'll end up decently.

My music writing however, has been going quite terribly. I'm composing some great stuff, but I can't write lyrics right now to save my life.

I've hit a mental road block lyrically.

Although my prose has been flowing out like endless diarrhea.

My sister is abusing the cat again...
I'm gonna go stop her.

Both news articles from Al Jazeera English dot net.

wikipedia is my hero

2009-01-04T19:21:00.000-08:00

One of my biggest character flaws (or vices) is my inability to finish what I started in the long run.
Whenever I start something that I intend to eventually finish over an extended period of time, I always come up with excuses that are detrimental to accomplishing the goal.

Maybe when I'm older I'll understand this.
or
I'm really too young to attempt to understand this.
or
This is too complicated to accomplish, I should let it sit until I can finally finish it.

For example,
I've been working on three fiction pieces since the end of the summer,
and whenever I read through whatever I've written,
I always end up trashing the whole thing,
or I look back at it and hate it.
I've been trying to come up with ways to make myself write efficiently,
whether if it is music or creative writing,
but I cannot ever find the motivation to finish what I've started.

It bothers me to no end,
and even though it bothers me and screeches insecurities in my brain,
I can never find the drive to finish.

On another subject...
Christmas break is going by decently.
It was nice to see Tim, and reconnect with old friends,
but it was also depressing knowing that while I was here in New Mexico reconnecting,
I was leaving friends in Michigan behind.
Everyone is coincidentally going abroad the same semester I will be attending for the last time.
It saddens me.
I feel like there was no point in making any good friends at Calvin because I don't think I'll ever see them again unless they make an effort to come to New Mexico to see me (or vice versa).

These are amazing people.

These are the types of friends that I would love to stay in touch with forever,
but I know that the path we are all taking are going in different directions.
Kirsten, Kristin, Liz, Matt, and Nard are all people that I'm happy to have become so close with,
yet I find myself wishing I hadn't.
Because that would make saying goodbye so much easier.

There has been copious amounts of snow accumulating on my land as of today.
I love it, and I hate it.
I hate it because it makes getting into town so much more difficult--it's hard enough driving twenty minutes into town only to find out that there is nothing to do.
I love it because it's beautiful.
The snow was whiter than the sky.
The clouds were like fluffy cotton blankets that stretched across the sky in off white sheets.
There was so much snow that I was not able to tell whether the ground was the sky, or the sky was the ground. I was only able to distinguish between the two by looking far ahead of me and staring off into the horizon where the glowing white snow hit a brick wall of light grey sky.
The trees by the roads were covered in snow, and I was only able to see blotches of forest green that appeared to be floating in the air because the trees were so wonderfully covered.

A lot of people tell me, "snow is snow," but I think that's bull.
New Mexican snow is so much more different from Michigan snow.
New Mexican snow is pure and white and it falls to the ground like it is pictured in movies.
Michigan snow falls to the ground like dead locusts that froze to death while flying through the polluted clouds of Grand Rapids.
I sound like I despise Grand Rapids--Which I don't!
I love Grand Rapids.
It's a wonderful city.

My mind is stalling like a manual transmission being driven by a student driver.
I can hear the instructor shouting tips and commands to push the clutch in before shifting gears.

Now I'm forcing it.
Darn.

Happy New Years.
Even though it is arbitrary.

mag

2008-11-12T10:57:00.000-08:00

the past couple of weeks have been a blur.
i find it hard to believe a whole half semester has gone by and left me in the dust attempting to keep up.
i have been having a lot of trouble with attendance in my music class,
so i decided to drop it.
whatever i guess.
i had a very interesting talk last night with kori via text messaging.
i hate text messaging.
actually,
i hate the phone in general.
phones are like collars and leashes that tie you down while allowing everyone and anyone to know exactly where you are at all times.

my name is "black chocolate,"
and i am mag's phone.
i am mag's beacon of claustrophobia.
he hates me,
but when i am gone,
he cries for me.

anyways,
my conversation with kori damp was about loneliness and the friends you make in college.
some people say that college is the most important four years of one's life.
i don't know if i believe that.
because if i do,
then it's gonna be a pretty lonely existence for mag, here.
i miss weedle,
i miss devin,
i miss ben,
i miss tim,
i miss bryanna,
and i miss all the people (including those outside of new mexico) in my life dearly.
but this is life.

i worry too much.
i worry about some of my housemates,
i worry about my mother,
i worry about my sister,
i worry about school.
i can't concentrate on anything at this point.
school is meaningless to me right now.
i can't find the motivation to succeed.

bleh.
more later.

mag

depressing movies really get to me

2008-11-05T22:40:00.000-08:00

What causes man to hate?
What causes human beings to steal, hurt, murder?
What drives those that are willing to give up their lives to oppress?
What gives us the incentive to destroy the things that others love most?
Why are we intolerable?
Why are we ignorant?
Why are we so unmotivated?

I think I'm asking the wrong questions.
I guess instead of why or what,
I should be asking,
"How do we solve these problems?"
"How do we reconcile the things we have done?"
"How do we learn to forgive?"

Where did I go wrong?
How do I go right?
Is it even worth fighting for?
Is there a reachable goal I can see somewhere off in the distance,
like a white flag being waved across a bloody field of violence and despair?
And if not,
what's the point?
Why try?

I hate tying politics into things,
but this is also how I see the elections as well.
People call me a vote waster,
a spoiler.
Because I voted Ralph Nader for 2008.
But I believe it ties into my convictions and quest for better change for the future.

I voted for Nader because I saw a goal in the distance.
If I didn't,
I would not have voted at all.

Like I said,
I hate tying politics into things.
But this is the way I want to live my life.
This is how I hope to live my life.

Despite the set backs,
besides the detriments,
besides the pretentious voices sneering at me so facetiously.

I see an end goal that is reachable,
that is possible.
Otherwise why keep trying?
Why put myself through the shame,
the hardships that are obviously in store?
If you believe in something, go for it.

I see racism,
hate,
ignorance,
violence,
intolerance,
I see all of these things and I plan to fight for change.
To make things better.
Maybe from the inside,
the outside,
as a civil servant,
as a humanitarian--
I want do something.
Something that I know in my heart is right.
Something I know is the right thing.

I'm weak,
inexperienced,
unintelligent,
unorganized,
but I still believe.
Otherwise,
why keep believing?

2008-09-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

We are a generation filled with empty promises. We are devoid of any motive, any struggle, any universal pain that moves us forward as one. We watch as older generations run the world for us, and we do so with happy eyes, ignorant to the fact that we are someday going to be those older generations. We are leaderless and we are depressed. We are self sabatoging and destructive to our very own goals. We are mean to one another and we are spoiled. There are few that demand inspiration, but fail to see it before our eyes. There are few that give inspiration, but are left unknown and without anyone to listen. When there is pain we accuse others and blame our lack of fortune on those around us. We refuse to question. We refuse to fight. We are filled with rebellion, but not against our stagnant lives, but instead we rebel against change! Change is terrifying. We endanger our lives and sanity with drugs, abuse, sex, violence, but we refuse to endanger our lives for difference! We refuse to endanger our lives for the things we should care about! Poverty, Hunger, Peace, Love, the Environment! Where are we? Are digressing?

I am a liar, an ego maniac that loves the sound of his own voice. I enjoy using large words to make myself feel more like an intellect--an intelligent human being that starves for the sound of approval and praise.

timeless measure

2008-09-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

I am such a lazy ass.

I haven't been able to do much lately, and everything is so confusing at this point, like timeless measure in music where you know you can't follow the count, but you keep trying anyways. I feel as though everything in my life is like that. I'm trying to follow the course and the actions, but I just can't keep up. Maybe it's because of my laziness and lack of passion, but I'm fucking lost, man.

I have no clue where I am with my future, with the relationships I hold with friends, with a girl I really care about, anything that concerns me is lost in tempo... or lack thereof.

That sounds really depressing, but I don't think it really is. I must clarify and articulate that. I am not depressed or melancholy towards my life, I am just merely explaining or assuring myself of the place that I am currently in.

My article on Ralph Nader was published and released today in the Chimes. It was a pretty well written article, with much aid from Benjamin Alford, whom I am very thankful for. He has definitely shaped my political views, and discussions with him and the house mates (Brendan, Pat, Matt, and Asa) have dried my views to concrete. It's a wonderful life, and it's a wonderful process figuring out who you truly are, and what you truly believe in.

mag.

music, jealousy, and missing.

2008-09-04T13:44:00.000-07:00

Today a friend of mine asked me to check out his music page for a band he was in. Naturally, I clicked on the link expecting something of poor sound quality and taste. I was more than surprised when I when to his site and heard really good music.

I had mixed emotions about his band. When it comes to music, I become very analytical and I love breaking parts down and finding out what makes the song special. When I heard his band play on their site, I became almost... Jealous. Jealous at the fact that he and his fellow comrades created something they believed was good (which it definitely was) and I sat here in my room, my calloused fingertips longing for a fret board to slide up and down on. The main emotion I felt was jealousy. I was jealous at the fact that these guys were doing what they loved and they all were dedicated to it. I think I'm the only one I know that loves what I do and wants to be completely dedicated to it, while everyone else, including the people in my band, treat it like it's just a deep closet hobby.

Now for a transition.

It's been an interesting week, and as school draws closer and closer, I miss people more and more. Obviously not the people here in Grand Rapids, but the people back home... or in Texas. I wish I could drop what I was doing and get the fuck out--yet at the same time, I don't want to leave because I love the people here as well.

I can hear the rain hitting the roof of the house as I type in this post, and all I can think about is how soaked I might get if I decide to drive my MoPed to Calvin. I think I might just go for it. It might be an interesting ride.

Morning Star... or Seventy-Six... Whatever it's called...

2008-09-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

I find myself at "Seventy Six" or "Morning Star" (I don't know what the hell the place is called) far too frequently as of late. The causes are definitely due to Asa or the fact that the only place I can get internet is... well, here.

I've been trying to get a hold of some Nader lawn fixtures, but I have no idea where to get any. Everyone is almost completely moved in, but all of my things are a mess. All of my possessions are littered in random areas of the house until Graham leaves tomorrow... Then I can start moving my things into one confined area of the house.

Christ, I'm a mess.

So I've tried to quit smoking, but I planned on doing it gradually since quitting "Cold Turkey" is just way too difficult considering I've been smoking for the past six years. I think. Whatever, I guess it's not as big of an issue for me right now like trying to get my life together.

But the house looks nice.

And the housemates are pretty great people.

The smoke in this place is starting to make my head hurt. More on my life later.